I have, yet again, been given the opportunity to evaluate my belief in Truth.
Recently, there have been some incredible people that I know who have lost a spouse, a child, been diagnosed with cancer, or a number of other devastating circumstances.
Terrible Things Happening to Good People
Why?
A handful of years ago, I believed that when you do good things, good things happen to you or for you. That the yield we have in this life is directly related to what we do. Though, I probably wouldn’t have described it in the moment that way. I don’t want to push aside the idea that we should work hard to gain results, I do believe that still to be true.
But.
I no longer believe that there are many guarantees in life. For years I prayed on the subject, looked at the patterns in the lives around me, and attended the temple to plead with my Father in Heaven about this subject. I came to the conclusion that the only thing that comes to those who do what they can in this life is the potential for peace to exist internally.
For years I found myself trying to do what I felt I should, but kept having tough things happen. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but felt like my intention and effort were sincere. This made me think, at that time, that what I was doing wasn’t good enough, else my life would be better.
Surely, it was evidence that I wasn’t good enough or did not have enough faith.
I started to read in the Book of Mormon and Bible with new eyes and began to understand more of what God being no respecter of people meant.
I saw that sometimes people declared their testimonies and were saved from fire, but other times they burned! Job has just about the worst life I can imagine. The Savior Himself was reviled, hated, baited, and even had those closest to Him deny Him.
The One who came to save the world from spiritual death.
This went against what I saw culturally around me in the Christian faith, as well as my specific branch of Christianity within the LDS faith. I saw people talking about material goods as blessings, the concept that if more people prayed for something, it would be more likely that a miracle would be granted, and guaranteed financial blessings when paying tithing.
The counter point being, there are many people starving in the world that are great people, and some people don’t have many friends to include in a prayer chain. Does God not love them as much?
As my brother likes to say: I don’t think God considers prayers as if they were faceboook likes.
What I have begun to grasp is that God is much more concerned about the people we become than any other thing. He wants us to develop into the people that we are meant to be.
Difficult things happen for all sorts of reasons: biology, choices we make, choices others make that effect us, and who knows what other reason. I believe that God has the power to change things. I do. But I also believe in a God that finds choice to be an essential point of progress.
When we choose to utilize the experiences that happen around us and to us as an opportunity to become a better version of ourselves, that is when we find internal peace. I don’t think we are guaranteed to have our communities continue to accept us, our family member’s lives to be preserved, or any physical or mental problems be completely removed from us.
It may happen, but it may not.
So does that mean the terrible things that happen were always going to happen?
I have no idea.
What I do know is that I have seen incredible people utilize horrific experiences to become a better version of themselves. I have seen people become more empathetic, raise awareness around them, start service organizations, and quietly insist on serving people. It is awe-inspiring to witness people walk through tragedy and hear them stand resolutely that Christ is their Savior and that they have a Heavenly Father that knows and love them. That doesn’t mean they don’t have tough, sad, empty, or ask ‘why?’ days. They can have all of those things and still feel a sense of overarching peace in their life.
This has given me an opportunity to reflect on what is most important to me and what I believe. I know that Christ came to save us in our guarantee of sinning. I know I have a loving Heavenly Father who allowed me to have opportunities to learn to become better. I have done okay in some ways, and have a long way to go in many others. And that’s okay. I am grateful to have a Savior who overcame the bands of death and so that families can know one another into the eternities.
I am sure that in another 5 years my view on the subject of becoming may have evolved some more, but for now, this is where I sit.
And, finally, questions remain.
Probably the first sentence I formed as a toddler was a question. I have always been a big fan of questions and am fine to sit in a spot of unknowing and mull over questions.
-Is it possible for God teach us these things without it being so devastating?
-What does ‘faith to be healed’ mean? How do I resolve the idea in ‘faith to be healed’ with ‘faith that whatever is best will happen’?
-How do large scale miracles occur?
-By what criteria do miracles occur? The sum total of positivity from those witnessing it vs. the sum total of development that happens otherwise?
-In what way do I approach the balance of faith and works?
-Asking for Priesthood blessings is an important part of the faith process, but if ‘what be, will be’, how is that resolved? Does the mere asking help a person become a changed person?
I don’t believe in magical thinking with religion. Granted, some of my atheist friends will say that any belief in a man in the sky, is magical thinking. Totally get that. Some of them also don’t understand why I am religious since they perceive me as more nihilistic. (Spolier, I’m not! My motivations for ‘what is, will be’ are religiously rooted.)
But there are some things that people have support their belief in the LDS gospel that I just, flat out, don’t believe. A great example of this is tithing.
Some people support their testimony in tithing citing a situation in which they didn’t have enough money to pay their bills as well as their tithing. They took a leap of faith and paid their tithing and *magically* there was more money in their account then they thought and they were able to pay their bills.
I say you don’t know how to do math or balance your checkbook correctly.
I believe in a God that operates under laws. One of those laws (that I love) is math. I do believe in a God that can know a check is in the mail that you forgot was coming or a God that can touch someone’s heart to give you an opportunity to meet your needs.
But I never think it is a guarantee that if you pay your tithing you will have enough money that month. Whose to say that coming up short on a month of bills may be the kick-in-the-pants that was needed to pursue a different job option? Or any other life lesson that will develop you into an even more amazing version of yourself?
I just think that when belief systems are anchored in make-believe it is setting oneself up for confusion and heartache when that magic does not appear.
I saw this image back in August created by @mariandrew.
I heart it so much.
Though the no socks with shoes thing is icky.
P.S. In case you are not aware, this does not mean I hate men. Wanting men and women to have equal footing doesn’t seem like an unreasonable pursuit. If you need further clarification on my understanding on the roles of males and females, feel free to have a conversation with me.
Dating Disasters, Happy Right Now, Laughing at Myself, Single Mama
Minor Dating Disasters | Laughing at Myself
A few years ago, a friend of mine, who has kids the same age, and I were hanging out for a little play date. During our attempts at conversation we both realized two things:
- We had both, at times, slurred our speech
- We both stared off into space in silence with our eyes glazed over
We had a good laugh about how we were both exhausted from sleepless nights of children waking us up and that neither of us noticed the other’s zombie-like state.
We were zombie-friends
Now, picture me a couple years past this, but with a little boy who is still waking me up all night because of chronic ear infections.
Me attempting to look awake. I sent this picture to my cosmetologist at her request.
A single mom dating.
There was one set of dates in particular where I had just a few hours of solid sleep a night for weeks. Then the night before the date, just 2-3 hours.
I am laughing just thinking about my attempt to engage in delightful conversation. There was a loss of train of thought, over talking, and probably some slurring of words.
To the man’s credit, he was incredibly gracious. We went on more dates, so perhaps my charming personality carried through a bit?! Ha!
Thankfully, these extreme sleepless nights haven’t happened since Spring.
And hopefully I didn’t just jinx it.
I have sat in church so many times where the topic is on charity. How do we give and hopefully, how do we receive, is discussed. In almost every class I have attended someone uses the phrase:
“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”
This is then often expounded on by class members on why just showing up to give people things or help can actually be hurtful to that person.
I. CALL. FOUL.
This reasoning never sat well with me. Sometimes I have fallen victim to using this mentality, myself, as an excuse to not extend my hand. Though I did believe that when people don’t actively work for things, they could become complacent, this idea that we should use this phrase as an excuse to cop out of helping others just doesn’t seem too Christian.
Teaching Takes More Work
The phrase “teach a man to fish…” is often twisted into the idea that people just need to buck up and do for themselves. Part of ‘teaching’ becomes just telling someone they need to do X, Y, Z and then they will be good.
But, let’s consider what it actually takes to teach another person to fish.
I am no expert on fishing, but there are many steps to teaching another person to be a fisherman. It is a time-intensive process. You have to prepare the tackle and the rods, then explain about how fish are attracted to different bait. The rod has to be discussed on how to put the line on the rod, how to cast, if weights are needed, and on and on. Finally, after the minute mechanics are taught, then casting becomes the next item. Where to cast, how to read the river, fish behavior at different times of day… Do you see where I am going with this?
It is actually EASIER to give a man a fish than to teach him how to fish.
Teaching someone to fish, especially to the point of self-sustainment, takes time, care, and dedication. It is more than the transfer of knowledge. You stand with that person and guide them. And do you know what happens when you are that invested in another person? You begin to truly know them and love them. You begin to understand their hardships and perhaps that they did the best they could in the situation they had. You begin to be less judgemental and instead begin to encourage them.
Christ taught this way. He took time for the One.
I don’t claim to know what helping others should look like. I think how we help those around us is as diverse as there are individual people. I know that as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I committed to God that I would do everything in my power to use my talents to help people. Right now in my life, that mostly looks like investing my time with my children while being a listening ear and sounding board for people I meet along my journey in this life.
But I constantly need to check-in with myself and be honest if my efforts align with this concept of teaching others to fish in whatever way I am able. I am not sure that I am doing that to the best of my ability, but I am going to try my hardest to not use that phrase as an excuse to turn my back on helping those I can.
Thank you to my mama for talking this concept through with me. You are a woman who has shown me what it means to be a Disciple of Christ who serves quietly.
Dear Amy,
I found you this year. I used to say that you were lost, but in reality, you were always there. Under a bunch of muck, but you were there.
I found you in the dreams, which were really old dreams. This time around, though, you have wisdom and some kick-ass executive functioning skills. That means these dreams are going to be reality in just a short period time.
I found you in the mountains of Idaho. On a snowmobile where you remembered that your need for speed is intense. You flipped your snowmobile, broke your phone and laughed about it all weekend. Because that’s what kind of person you are. That loud hum on that snowmobile with white all around was cathartic. You found a few like-minded people who brought out the silliness, intense conversation, and throw down fun side, all in negative degree weather. It was solidified that the joy you find in life is driving the machine, not sitting on the back or on the sidelines.
I found you in Utah. Where you danced. A lot. I would say all night, but that fun lasted well into the morning hours. You remembered how good it feels to just move to music and dance with joy. It was freeing to just move.
I found you in Portland, where everything looked even more green and vibrant than in the past. You drank up every last experience at Multnomah Falls and the ocean. Running and playing with the kids on the beach, even in sideways rain, felt like life. Continuously not wearing makeup at the coast for the sole purpose of looking heavenwards so that you could remember the moment when you returned back to the desert.
I found you during girl’s nights with women who have walked with you, supported you, and cried with you. They know your soul and still love you. Those are the best sorts of people to laugh with all evening.
You were there in the hard choices that have happened. But they were your choices. And you owned them as a path to an even better future.
You were there at the ocean. Where you learned to surf and snorkel. The love of the water is intense, even if you did end up puking off the ferry.
You were there during hard conversations where you developed your opinions and declared to yourself that you will not be living an ordinary life. Not that there is a thing wrong with and ordinary sort of life, it’s just never fit well on your skin.
And you have always existed wherever there is loud music and a vehicle to dance in.
May your past serve as a reminder that the best way to be a mother, sister, daughter, and friend is to stay true everyday to the nature you were born with. Always listen to your first voice.
“We told her to sit with us so we could share her sadness.” (Dohuk, Iraq)
A couple years ago, while still living in Oregon, I learned what it was like to have friends and church members hold space for me. From what I can gather, most people assumed my life was going just fine. I had 3 little kids, looked happily married, and served in a leadership calling within the women’s organization at my church.
The pain that comes from realizing that I had to get a divorce felt physical. As I went to my church during this time, it was difficult to contain my emotions when I had to repeatedly tell people when they mentioned my spouse, that we were no longer living together.
The overwhelming majority of people who I talked to with tears in my eyes (and I’m not a crier… so this was a bit unnerving too, I’m sure!) held space for me. What did that look like?
-They empathized in their words by saying, “I’m so sorry” and often apologized saying that ‘they didn’t know’.
-They offered me hugs. Even as a normally not-so-huggy person– I needed these hugs. They were present in their embracing me.
-They placed themselves between me and anyone passing so that I would not be a spectacle for on-lookers. Maybe that is not what everyone needs, but as a fairly private person, this was very kind.
-They didn’t ask invasive questions. They realized that the details were really not their business.
-They genuinely asked what they could do to help– or offered something outright that they knew they could do.
-They didn’t ask the “what’s next” questions. They were emotionally mature enough to realize that the very moment I was dealing in was enough. Plus– again– not really their business.
-They buffered other’s callousness for me. Like the time my very good friend turned down me giving a talk for me. When the man asked, “do you make her decisions for her?” My friend looked him dead in the eyes and said something similar to, “yes, I do, and she is NOT giving a talk.”
The biggest thing is when people didn’t try to troubleshoot or solve the issues with me. People who are so close to my heart, emphasized their knowledge that I have it in me to figure the situation out and what my next move would be. They acknowledged that this piece of life is hard. They were present in the moment I was currently in.
Another good friend of mine was teaching a lesson in the women’s church class. She had said that her lesson was a bit different that anticipated. She talked about being valiant. The definition she found was:
-Hold fast to the Savior
-Be Bold
-Possessing or showing courage or determination
She cited Acts 9:6: Lord what wilt thou have me do.
Then she stated, “sometimes the most valiant we can be is to step aside and say ‘no more’ no matter how it looks.”
I then proceeded to go from tearful to stifling all-out-crying. When she was done teaching, she gave me the biggest hug and cried with me. This moment always reminds me of the photograph at the top.
We can do this as friends, neighbors, and as Christians. Holding space for people in our circles looks just like, “Mourning with those who mourn.” and “Standing to comfort those”.
We all struggle. Every last one of us. Let’s try to change the influence we have on others by acknowledging the toughness of life. I truly believe that as I have better understood the difficulties and accept them as part of life, that I have been able to experience much more joy.
May we all hold space for one another.
July 8th. It’s my birthday.
I am all about celebrations. I have gotten carried away more times than I can count on inviting people, only to end up cooking from scratch for 30-60 people.
I truly love it
As I get older, I find myself seeking out time to contemplate more on my own birthday than my usual extroverted-party-loving nature. A lot of times I go to the temple alone, maybe quietly sit at a cafe, and make some goals.
This year, I have enough goals I am actively working on that it would not be helpful to add more to the list. I have been running over in my mind all the change I have been through in the past year: divorce, selling my house (#3), letting go of my first home, moving into my first house where I am not living with other adults (roommates, family, spouse), completing more websites, elevating my skills, and busting out who-knows-how-many credits for school. This list makes me determined to keep moving forward.
There were some super fun firsts this year
I found out that I actually enjoy living alone (ya know, if ‘alone’ means with 3 small children!) Recently, I went surfing, snorkeling, and puked off a ferry for the first time! (I swear it wasn’t only me!)
Earlier this year I went snowmobiling in Island Park and found out that I absolutely love it. But it involves an engine and going fast, so it was sort of a given that I would love it. In fact, before the trip my mama called me and asked me to please consider not going to fast so that I come home in one piece because she knows I love speed. And then I flipped the machine.
After being a teen and young adult that snowboarded and white water rafted all the time, it was time to try some new things.
There were some reawakenings too. I still love to dance! And attend cultural events! I’ve started writing more and loving the clarity it gives me.
I have found myself getting more firmly planted in knowing exactly who I am and what I want. I have solidly come to terms with the idea that I can be both a feminist and orthodox LDS. Moving forward to what I want has led to me getting pretty focused on my path and I have had to learn to say no, a lot. Which I hate, because I like to be involved in everything. I have also realized that no matter how much life continues to force me into patience, I will still tap my foot impatiently.
I’ve learned that self-care is essential. I have learned that people are amazing and fundamentally good. Though I get wrapped up in the steps it will take to get to my goals right now, my long game is always optimism.
Last year was the year of change. Year 31 is going to be more change and some serious forward movement.
It’s going to be a great year.
Just about every other weekend silence descends on my house.
Some people say I chose this silence.
I did not.
Silence permeated my being and my houses long before I was physically alone.
I fill my time with tasks that propel my family forward.
That, I will always choose.